Night has fallen and I'm still awake

Seriously I just went to bed about 14 minutes ago - took one of my heavy duty sleeping pills that are so strong I literally have to take them as I'm getting in to bed because otherwise I lose focus and go kinda crazy. Once the pill has been taken I can't take telephone calls, make important decisions, anything of matter has to wait until the pills wear off and I have a clear head.

So I crawl in to bed and cuddle up to Larry, who is like having my own personal heater under the covers. I just get comfortable and not threee minutes later I am in to much pain on the points making contact with the mattress; mainly my hips and shoulders. So I nudge Larry and tell him he's gonna have to cuddle me so I won't be in as much pain. He obliges and I swear is right back to sleeping and snoring in less that 30 seconds. It amazes me how quickly he goes into deep sleep. Oh what I wouldn't give for a couple of nights like that each week. Anyway, as we get settled and the warmth from Larry is starting to wrap around me, keeping the night chill away I think, "Ahhhh Im finally gonna get some good sleep tonight". JINX... did someone yell JINX because that's what I am - JINXed.

We here the faint calling from Joey's room followed by crying. I think okay I'll grab the bottle I made earlier, check to see if he needs a diaper change, and have him back to sleep in seconds. Yeah right, who do I think I am Houdini, or Super Nanny. NOT, NOT, NOT...I am just me so I do what I do best I talk to him softly. Tell him its time to go back to nite-nite, lightly rub his back, try to give him his bottle but no, he is having none of it. He wants Mommy. So I crawl into the crib with him and we get situated, I start all the things that usually soothe him - singing quietly, rubbing his back and head, making sure his bottle is within in reach, but still no change in his demeanor.

Larry gets up to see what's going on and suggests that we take him back to our bed with us. I don't think that's such a good idea because then Larry won't get peaceful sleep and he has to be up at 3 AM for work and ready to tackle the issues on the job as soon as he walks through there door. I tell him to go back to bed and I'm gonna just try this for a bit. After about 10 minutes, a does of Ibuprofen and a does of Baby Tylenol, he's calmed down. I tuck him in with Eyor and Pink Piggy, cover him with his favorite quilt cousin Ranel made him, tuck his bottle next to his arm and give him a kiss on the forheaad and say "Sweet Dreams". And then I'm outta there.

The problem now is I've missed that small window of opportunity my sleeping pill provides to allow me to fall asleep for at least 2, maybe 3 hours of good rest. So now what do I do? Go back to bed and lay there watching the numbers on the clock roll over, just give up now because I know I won't get good sleep now, or take one more sleep pill that's a little lighter and see if that we be enough to bring me back in to slumber land. I get to spend so little time there, getting good rest, most nights I'm lucky if I get 3 solid hours of sleep without waking up with pain, and then the emotional piss match in my mind kicks in about how unfair this is and how am I expected to be productive on any level at all with little or no sleep.

You know it's a vicious cycle. You need sleep so your body has a chance for restoration, key elements that only take place during your REM cycles, but in my case my physical pain keeps putting obstacles in that particular path from not being able to lay in any one position long, to not being able to shut off my thoughts - if I'm feeling this badly now, what will tomorrow look like? Will I have the energy and the range of motion I need to even do the simple things like shower, get Joe dressed. Things most people don't have to give much thought to, but they are constantly on my mind because I don't want to let my son down, or Larry, or my family. That simple life I've always dreamed of having seems so far away from my reality I wonder if it's ever even going to be possible to get close to it, let alone achieve it.